Abandoned Altars

Ever since annual Confession and Holy Communion was made obligatory on all Catholics in 1216, sinners of all stripes have willingly or otherwise dutifully lined up in front of the booths in a yearly ritual to tell the man inside their evil doings.

Penitents are supposed to make an critical and unsparing self-examination of all their sins since the last go around, and try to work up some genuine sorrow. And of course, they are to do afterwards whatever their confessor tells them to do as penance and sin no more… or at least, not until they’ve taken Holy Communion. Otherwise, they’ll be worse off than before.

It’s generally a drag, a spiritual chore like going to the dentist, only even more humiliating than when the assistant asks why you haven’t been flossing.

Well, cheer up, sinners! I’ve been doing quite a bit of research on the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I’m happy to tell you there are a number of absolutely legal shortcuts you can use to make it less of a burden. Yes, with the magic of Roman Catholicism, you too can enjoy both this world AND the next!

What they didn’t teach you in parochial school.

Confession has evolved greatly over the centuries. It started off hard and long — often lasting years, sometimes decades. But thanks to the generations of tireless work by theologians and moralists, it’s gotten easier and easier. Why? Partly because they wanted to make it as effortless as possible for all humans (or at least their rich patrons) to be saved, and partially because they just couldn’t resist creating exceptions, and conditions, and fine shades of meaning, so that ultimately, there’s no telling what good and evil is anymore.

Confessors are instructed not to tell or even ask penitents certain things, for fear they will sin even worse. They are also taught that moral certainty is not so clearcut as the Baltimore Catechism would have you believe. After all, the priests may claim God gave them the keys to unlock Heaven, but not necessarily the wisdom to go with it, so they have devised ways to make this impossible chore tolerable. With that in mind, then, here’s your “cheat sheet” to make it as painless as possible:

1. If you think it’s a sin, it’s a sin; if you don’t, or don’t know if it is, it isn’t. The priest must take YOUR word for it.
2. Genuine contrition, so difficult to achieve, is not necessary. Just showing up and confessing is considered sorrow enough.
3. Nowadays, the policy is NOT to refuse absolution for any reason in the confessional no matter what they say outside it for fear of sending the penitent away in despair.
4. Only mortal sins have to be confessed anyway. Venials won’t send you to hell, and can be wiped clean with just a few drops of holy water.
5. Due to secrecy, only the lightest penances can be given for anything, and may be refused or negotiated. Willingness to say just just one Our Father or Hail Mary is sufficient for absolution.
6. You can do your Easter duty for two years by going to confession and communion twice in one season.
7. Finally, don’t forget indulgences. Confession will save your sorry ass from hell, but it will still get toasted in Purgatory, unless you get an indulgence to take care of that. You’ll need one and only one plenary or full indulgence to take care of it each go around. They’re easily acquired, but you need to get them while still in as state of grace, so do it ASAP after confession.

Not everyone is required to perform the Easter duty. Prostitution is recognized by theologians as a lesser evil, so Catholic hookers are not only tolerated in society, but they are exempt from the duty of yearly confession. (Professional courtesy, no doubt.)

Finally, remember that, according to St. Thomas Aquinas, it doesn’t make your sin any worse if you do it intending to to confess it anyway.
So don’t let premature guilt ruin your fun!

Happy absolution all! Hope this helps!

May God forgive all your sins, and grant you peace and chocolate bunnies all your days.