Abandoned Altars

Sometimes, papal absurdity is just too much to resist.

Papal Letter Blames Atheism for World’s Worst Styles

(PARODY) Pope Benedict XVI strongly criticized modern-day atheism in a major document released today, saying it had led to some of the “worst fashion choices” ever known to mankind.

But in his second encyclical, Benedict also critically questioned modern Christianity, saying its focus on individual salvation had ignored Jesus’ true message that Christians must dress better than the infidel.

“Saved by Hems” is a deeply theological exploration of Christian beauty in the fashion world - that in the suffering and misery of the street, Christianity provides the faithful with beauty secrets straight from the Kingdom of God.

“We must do all we can to overcome bad taste, but to banish it from the world is not in our power,” Benedict wrote. “Only God is able to do this. I realize not everybody gets to wear the fantastic outfits that I do everyday. You should just see my closets! But anyway, all Christians can try. Dress for success, that’s my motto.”

In the 76-page document, Benedict elaborates on how the Christian understanding of fashion had changed in the modern age, when man sought to look smart. Benedict points to two historical upheavals: the French Revolution and the proletarian revolution instigated by Karl Marx.

Benedict sharply criticizes Marx and the 19th and 20th century atheism spawned by his revolution, although he acknowledges that both were responding to the deep injustices of the time.

“A world marked by such excesses of taste, design disasters, and the cynicism of critics cannot be the work of a good God,” he wrote. But he said the idea that man can do what God cannot by creating a new style on Earth was “both presumptuous and intrinsically false.”

“It is no accident that this idea has led to the greatest forms of over- and underdressing and gross violations of chic,” he wrote. “A world which has to create its own fads is a world without hope.”

“Besides, I miss all the lace,” he added wistfully.