Abandoned Altars

VATICAN CITY — In a surprise move, Pope Benedict XVI today announced that he had taken immediate steps to end the long-standing conflict between Heaven and Hell. During a news conference hurriedly called for the occasion, the Holy Father made the historic proclamation surrounded by his cardinals. It took place directly after an emergency secret consistory that had the world speculating.

“The great feud between the heavenly kingdom and the infernal one is now over,” the Supreme Pontiff proclaimed. “I’m happy to say, the gates of Heaven have now been unlocked and thrown open. Even now, Lucifer and his former followers are being readmitted to Paradise.”

The statement caused instant pandemonium among the press, and the Swiss Guard in their morions and doublets had to use their ceremonial halberds to quell the mob. When order was finally restored, the Pope explained how this happened. “I just used the Power of the Keys,” he said modestly. “As Pope, I was given the power to bind and loose. What I say goes, down here and up there, too, you know. So this morning, while I was shaving, it occurred to me that I could solve everybody’s problems once and for all, just like that. Hey, I thought, why not? All this preaching has gotten us nowhere.”

“Therefore, this morning, in consultation with the bishops and cardinals, in the name of Christ and all the Saints, I formally forgave the Archangel Lucifer, once called Satan, and all his fallen angels, of their rebellion against God and all their sins,” His Holiness said. “And on token of their acceptance, I gave them all plenary indulgences, too. There’s nothing holding them back. The reign of evil is ended.”

In response to a reporter’s question, the Vatican’s leading demonologist, Monsignor Sarducci, explained, “It seems the satanic powers were as unhappy with the deadlock as everyone else. They were just doing their job, but their hearts haven’t been into it since the Reformation. It’s understandable: eternity’s a long time. Even tormenting the damned is bound to get old. And no sin is original these days.”

The Pope refused to speculate on what these developments might mean for the future. “Me, I’m off to Castle Gandolfo,” he said. “I need a break. But I think this job has just gotten a whole lot easier, now that it’s the Age of the Holy Spirit.”

Reports indicate that crime in Rome began to immediately decrease, along with traffic accidents. Mafia members were seen tossing their guns into the Tivoli fountain. Scattered reports indicate Israelis and Palestinians are dancing in the streets, and soldiers from warring factions across Africa have joined together to distribute food to the starving.

Mystics universally speak of great rejoicing in Heaven but that Hell is not empty. According to Monsignor Sarducci, crack volunteer units of the Swiss Guard and Jesuits were already taking up positions recently abandoned by the demons. “Just a peace-keeping precaution,” he explained. “This is a theologically strategically important area, and we don’t want it taken over by potentially hostile forces like Muslims or atheists.” He smiled. “Besides, there will always be troublemakers…”

Meanwhile, clairvoyants report that with the regime ending in Hades, so has the threat of global warming. The latest forecasts predict that it will soon snow in Hell for the first time ever, accompanied by a hard freeze.

— HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY!