Abandoned Altars

VATICAN CITY — In a surprise move, Pope Benedict XVI today announced that he had taken immediate steps to end the long-standing conflict between Heaven and Hell. During a news conference hurriedly called for the occasion, the Holy Father made the historic proclamation surrounded by his cardinals. It took place directly after an emergency secret consistory that had the world speculating.

“The great feud between the heavenly kingdom and the infernal one is now over,” the Supreme Pontiff proclaimed. “I’m happy to say, the gates of Heaven have now been unlocked and thrown open. Even now, Lucifer and his former followers are being readmitted to Paradise.”

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In the middle of April, Pope Benedict XVI will be coming to the United States for a visit. He will hold huge public masses, meet political and religious leaders, and even address the UN.

Doubtless the sheeple will be filled with joy. But what about the rest of us?

For those not blinded by the papal aura, this pope is not an attractive figure. Aside from looking as evil as the Emperor in Star Wars, Joseph Ratzinger, whose last job was chief enforcer for the Vatican, has turned the clock back to the Dark Ages.

Gone are any dreams of a truly ecumenical Church, the ordination of women, the inclusion of gays, the use of contraception, or alleviating poverty and class injustice through inspired social activism. He’s subtly insulted non-Roman Catholics of all denominations and sure hasn’t made friends with the Muslims or the Jews, either.

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Sometimes, papal absurdity is just too much to resist.

Papal Letter Blames Atheism for World’s Worst Styles

(PARODY) Pope Benedict XVI strongly criticized modern-day atheism in a major document released today, saying it had led to some of the “worst fashion choices” ever known to mankind.

But in his second encyclical, Benedict also critically questioned modern Christianity, saying its focus on individual salvation had ignored Jesus’ true message that Christians must dress better than the infidel.

“Saved by Hems” is a deeply theological exploration of Christian beauty in the fashion world - that in the suffering and misery of the street, Christianity provides the faithful with beauty secrets straight from the Kingdom of God.

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Give Guilt Top Priority, Pope Asks Priests

Vatican, Feb. 20, 2007 (NadirNews.com) - At an Ash Wednesday meeting with confessors, Pope Benedict XVI remarked on how the “best racket in the business” is realized in the sacrament of Penance.

The Holy Father was speaking to the confessors of the Roman basilica at a Lenten pep rally. After the officials of the Apostolic Penitentiary, led by Cardinal James Stafford, put on a stunning and energetic song and dance number, the Pope gave his address. “This is our busiest season for welcoming sinners,” he acknowledged, “and a heavenly opportunity to terrify them into submission.” He told them that the priest, as confessor, is a “vital instrument of our control of the sheep.”

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