Abandoned_Altars

VATICAN CITY — In a surprise move, Pope Benedict XVI today announced that he had taken immediate steps to end the long-standing conflict between Heaven and Hell. During a news conference hurriedly called for the occasion, the Holy Father made the historic proclamation surrounded by his cardinals. It took place directly after an emergency secret consistory that had the world speculating.

“The great feud between the heavenly kingdom and the infernal one is now over,” the Supreme Pontiff proclaimed. “I’m happy to say, the gates of Heaven have now been unlocked and thrown open. Even now, Lucifer and his former followers are being readmitted to Paradise.”

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Sometimes, papal absurdity is just too much to resist.

Papal Letter Blames Atheism for World’s Worst Styles

(PARODY) Pope Benedict XVI strongly criticized modern-day atheism in a major document released today, saying it had led to some of the “worst fashion choices” ever known to mankind.

But in his second encyclical, Benedict also critically questioned modern Christianity, saying its focus on individual salvation had ignored Jesus’ true message that Christians must dress better than the infidel.

“Saved by Hems” is a deeply theological exploration of Christian beauty in the fashion world – that in the suffering and misery of the street, Christianity provides the faithful with beauty secrets straight from the Kingdom of God.

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Give Guilt Top Priority, Pope Asks Priests

Vatican, Feb. 20, 2007 (NadirNews.com) – At an Ash Wednesday meeting with confessors, Pope Benedict XVI remarked on how the “best racket in the business” is realized in the sacrament of Penance.

The Holy Father was speaking to the confessors of the Roman basilica at a Lenten pep rally. After the officials of the Apostolic Penitentiary, led by Cardinal James Stafford, put on a stunning and energetic song and dance number, the Pope gave his address. “This is our busiest season for welcoming sinners,” he acknowledged, “and a heavenly opportunity to terrify them into submission.” He told them that the priest, as confessor, is a “vital instrument of our control of the sheep.”

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